


Cult-tastic

by WaltzQueen



Series: Good times with Hellfire [15]
Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee (Comics), VASQUEZ Jhonen - Works
Genre: Beheading, Blasphemy probably, Cults, M/M, Murder, Pizza, Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-19 01:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4727843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaltzQueen/pseuds/WaltzQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Todd falls asleep on a park bench and gets kidnapped by incompetent cultists.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cult-tastic

**Author's Note:**

> can you believe it's been almost a year since i started this silly series?

Todd Diablo nee Casil wakes up in a darkened room in the presence of the ruler of Hell, who is staring into his soul. This is not an abnormal occurrence. It's been happening for years now and he's since grown used to the eldritch noises his beloved's infernal crooning makes. This instance is a bit different than the norm.

 

"Pepito," he whispers, no trace of the strain that sound be roughening his voice after a night in bed with the Antichrist. "I'm going to go for a walk today, I think." Todd groans as hands roam across his skin. Todd leans his head back to expose his neck. Pepito nibbles on it teasingly and crawls on top of him. Todd's already gasping and breathless when he he thinks that it can wait. And then Pepito and Todd are busy for a while.

 

Eventually Todd makes it out of bed long enough to call his mother in law and invite her to go the park with him. She's already there by the time he arrives. Her infectiously bright grin makes the sunny summer day look dull in comparison. She's all dressed up in a short sleeve dress, white with faint blue flowers, and her shiny golden cross polished to a gleam on her neck. A white gloved hand was wrapped around Woofles' leash. Rosemarie Diablo didn't look a day over twenty nine despite the fact that Todd very well knew she had been born in eighteen ninety seven. He was sure they made a notable sight walking in the park that day; her all sunshine hair and healthy golden skin, while he was dark haired and pale. The black leather jacket, made of his husband's skin, wasn't exactly matching her outfit, but they were at ease as they meandered down the park trails together, Woofles walking between them

 

"How have you been, Todd?"

 

"I've been good." Rosemarie's smile widens slightly. She nods pleasantly.

 

"Likewise. Juan's been alright, too. Though he does get a bit restless now that he's retired." Technically he wasn't retired. He had handed the reins of Hell and all its inmates over to Pepito but he was still going around making Faustian deals and tormenting the stupid in his free time. Todd supposed that it was just simpler for (just-call-me)Mother to phrase it as retirement.

 

"Maybe he should take up a hobby." Todd suggested mildly. Hell only knew what else he could possibly want to take up as a hobby,though.

 

They continued to chat as they strolled down the picturesque walkways. While most parks in the city were neglected and frankly shoddy, Senor Diablo and Pepito were both aware that their spouses enjoyed this particular park and had gone through a it of effort to straighten the place up with their infernal powers. It meant the park was severely haunted and half the plants were alive and borderline malevolent, but it was quiet and green and nothing ever attempted to bite them on their walks. Even with the ghosts wailing every day at three o clock on the dot and the occasional cultist chanting in the gazebo, it was by far the best park in the state. 

 

Todd and Rosemarie sat on a bench as the hour turned and breathed in the fresh air and human company. Woofles lay on the ground, eyes closed but far from unaware, as the wind whistled through the leaves. Todd watched as Mother removed the leash and Woofles walked over to a tree to releave herself. Todd found himself distantly concerned when ever he saw Woofles use the bathroom. Judging by the way it sizzled the plant life in a three foot radius that did not look very comfortable for her. The quiet is rudely interrupted as one of the sentient trees wraps a branch around a squirrel that attempted to chew on it, pulls back and chucks it clear across the park. Woofles's eyes snap over and she takes off running after the flying morsel. Mother brushes her dress clear of the dust her Hellhound had kicked up as she rolled her eyes.

 

"Don't get up, dear. I'll go get her." She stands and goes off in the direction Woofles had bolted. Todd waited patiently as the minutes passed. Woofles typically didn't run too far off, but the Elm had chucked that squirrel pretty hard so it could be a while. Todd enjoys the sunshine and closes his eyes. Pepito had really worn Todd out that morning and Todd didn't get that much rest last night for similar reasons so it was only to be expected that he fell asleep on a park bench. 

 

The last time Todd had fell asleep in a Park he had been under the bench and awoke to the Antichrist tearing the bench out of the ground and staring at him. While terrifying, everything had worked out for the best. This time.....things were different.

 

Todd was used to waking up to eldritch chants and unknowable tongues all around him. He was accustomed to waking up in the dark. He wasn't used to waking up to multiple people,though. Todd looks around in the darkness. With Pepito having long ago adjusted his eyes to deal with cave darkness (needed for spelunking for their seventeenth anniversary) he could see everything perfectly.

 

He lay on cheap crushed velvet on an altar that appeared to be made of old boards nailed together fairly poorly. Several people in dark purple robes stood around him chanting in an abandoned warehouse. He briefly attempts to move his arm, only to find his legs and torso had been saran wrapped into a burrito of plastic and person. Todd has never been sacrificed before so he wasn't an expert on the subject, but he was certain that was what was going on. After a moment it struck him that their chants sounded familiar. With a bit of concentration the unknowable language resolved itself into words. 

 

"To you we offer the blood and the soul..." Yup, he was being sacrificed. And apparently it was to Satan, which is one hundred percent sure Pepito would laugh at if he were here.  


While Todd has an excellent grasp on languages that man was not meant to know, these cultists obviously didn't. The momentary fear dissipated almost instantly as they kept fumbling their lines in the chant. The cultist to the left of him went silent and then picked up double speed, slurring every word.

 

"For fucks sake, Susan!" the figure next to her snarls and shoves her momentarily as everyone glares at her.

 

"Sorry!" The robed Susan whines. "I got my braces tightened yesterday." Susan shoved the other figure back and mumbled "this shit hurts."

 

They all started up again only to be foiled again as someone's cell phone went off. All the cultists groaned as the guilty party reached into their robes and pulled out the cell phone. It illuminated the area for a second as he turned it off.

 

The third time was going better and then a knocking came from the double doors. Everyone looked around at each other, wondering who to blame. With the appearance of no embarrassed or guilty reactions they all shrugged and Susan went over and opened the door.

"Bloaty MeatHog's pizza delivery for Mr. Wilkonson."a squeaky voice responded.

 

Susan jerked her thumb to the left. "Three buildings that way." She snatched the pizza from the teen and slammed the door. Susan puts the pizza on a crate in the back corner of the room and rejoins the circle. With the promise of a post sacrifice pizza everyone was more inclined to get things right this time.

 

The fourth time had no interruptions or mistakes and the chanters prepared themselves to sacrifice him. One of the robed figures stepped forwards and raised a shiny knife as he intoned the chant.

 

The side doors burst open. The chanting stops immediately and the figure with the knife yelped and jumped backwards like a frightened earth rabbit. (Bonbon never jumped in fright. When frightened Bonbon shed all its fur and grew three feet bigger.) Several figures stride in in, these ones wearing red robes.

 

"Hold thy hand!" One of the red robed cultists shouts."He is not yours to give!" Todd is flooded with relief, thinking one of these cultists knows who he is. He's so glad no one will hurt or get hurt that he almost doesn't hear the man say "We scoped him out first!"

 

The purple robed man with the knife yanks the hood off of his head, revealing a face red with anger. 

 

"Fuck you, Mark!" He screams. "You snooze you loose! This is our sacrifice!"

 

Mark then takes his own hood off. "No, Jerry! Fuck you! Coming in here and stealing our sacrifice!" He stalks over to the purple robed Jerry and attempts to stare him down. "We've been stalking him all day!"

 

"You should have got to him when you had the chance, but this is my sacrifice now, so you can just eat it!"

 

The other figures in red and purple robes relax and become bored as Mark and Jerry continue having it out. The seriousness of the situation having completely dissolved, the cultists all pull down their hoods and go to lean against the wall. 

 

"It's just Mark and Jerry's bullshit again," someone says as the shouted insults devolve into a fist fight. It's greeted by a chorus of "yeah," "fuck that noise,"and "same as usual." They stand for a minute watching Mark and Jerry punch each other. 

 

One of the red robes asks "Anyone wanna play some cards?" And they all go to the pizza in the back and engage themselves in a round of Bullshit. 

 

It's about five minutes before Mark has Jerry by the hair and is attempting to break his neck. Jerry manages to take his knife and cut Mark's neck far enough that his head just pops off like a Pez dispenser. Mark's head lands directly on the alter as his headless corpse sprays blood everywhere. 

 

Todd looks into the eyes of a dead man and draws in a breath to scream with. Before he can a pillar of fire materializes inside the warehouse. Pepito steps out of it, concern written all over his face. "Mother said you left the park without her, Mi Amour. Where did you go?" He steps over to his bound husband and slices the saran wrap with a fingernail, freeing Todd at long last. 

 

Todd swings his legs over the side of the altar as Pepito knocks the disembodied head away. He shakily attempts to stand. Pepito notices the way his legs wobble and scoops him up in his arms. Safe and sound, wrapped in the embrace of the Antichrist, Todd projects the events that happened to him into Pepito's dark and swirling mind.

 

"Let us return home, my love." Pepito croons softly. Fire reaches up from his feet to engulf them both as they leave. Jerry and the rest of the cultist stare for a moment as their Dark Lord, Satan takes the sacrifice without much in the way of blood shed. They look at each other in utter confusion and shrug, going back to their pizza and cards. They're still playing cards when the ware house they're in going up in smoke like someone dropped FatMan on it.

 

Elsewhere, Pepito apologizes contritely for his unruly worshipers, makes Chicken Alfredo for dinner, and pounds his adorable husband through the mattress.


End file.
